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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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December
2000
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S
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M
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W
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F
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1
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2
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3
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4
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6
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7
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8
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9
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10
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11
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13
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14
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15
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16
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17
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18
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19
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20
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22
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23
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24
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25
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26
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27
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28
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29
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30
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31
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Yes.
That motherfuckin cracka' in the Crown Vic is five-0. Stop selling
to him, you dumb ass foo. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Money's
getting a little tight, but that shouldn't bother you much. You're
used to it. There's always something else to spend it on. But, luckily,
there are also more ways to make cash. Armed robbery is always a possibility,
or you could just pimp out a younger family member. Hell, pimp out
a family pet if you have to. Hey got to get 20 bucks somehow. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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An
older person could be vetoing your latest plan. Why not try to persuade
them to your way of thinking? Maybe use a tire iron, and a fifth of
night train. That's what I call my Attitude Adjustment Kit. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Your
perceptions are keen, especially pertaining to children. You perceive
them all the time and their laughter fills your ears and your heart
with joy. Even when they're not around. Even when you're completely
alone. Soon, they'll start to tell you to do things. Bad, violent
things. Better start taking your medication again, psycho. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
may have feelings of grief or depression. You should be used to it
by now. This happens every year, around this time. The only logical
solution is to pawn all of your personal belongings and go to Wal-mart.
Buy a shotgun, and with the rest of the cash buy a lot of crack. Let
nature take its course, and give your loved ones a present they'll
never forget. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You're
getting ready to stretch your legs - and your mind, too. You would
be amazed how fast a fat piece of shit like you can run. Especially
with the cops shooting at you. Why not drop the stolen T.V.? Maybe
you'll run faster. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You're
very busy. Travel plans may have to be postponed. Don't talk much
about what you're doing, either. The less said the better. There is
such thing as accessory after the fact. God damn, you're dumb. That
bitch is going to rat you out. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You
know, it's easier to get a job while you still have the use of both
of your legs. It's even harder to get one while in one of those wheelchairs
that you operate with your chin. What we're trying to say is that
you better pay that money you owe, and do it quickly. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Don't
knock a hole in the wall without discussing it with your roommate
first. Your idea of a nifty renovation project could be your mate's
idea of, well, something else. Just explain to him/her it's easier
to sell rock this way, no more crack heads in the living room. If
that doesn't work just smack them in the head with the hammer. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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You
should be in a pretty good mood, but there will be delays. You'll
get your jobs done early, so why not assist someone else. Why not
ask some friends about a job? Just remember not to do that "drug
mule" thing again. Remember, your ass bled for two days after
that the last time. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Money's
coming in, but it may already be spoken for. You may feel like you
work at the bank. You get to count and sort, but it all belongs to
someone else. Don't worry; your money troubles will soon be over,
because you'll soon be in a coma for the rest of your life. They can't
get money from a stone…or a vegetable! |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You learn best
by getting involved. A project you take on will not get finished
today, however. If you think you can get it done by tomorrow, go
ahead. There will be hassles, but the outcome's positive. And think
of it this way, you will be the first person on the block with there
own hand made prosthetic limb!
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