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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Tuesday
December 5, 2000


By L.T. Jackson
December 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Is your family coming to visit? If so, keep the good wine locked in the closet. That's right; you got to hide that shit from your drunk ass dad and uncle. Don't be ashamed to use paper cups either. Give those cheap niggazz night train and bologna sammiches!
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You know that stack of magazines you've been saving? This is a great time to read them all. There's something in there you'll be glad you found. Maybe it will be that mail-order philippino boys advertisement you've been looking for, you fucking fag pervert.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Did a friend borrow money and not pay you back? Or are you trying to keep up with the Jones's? Either way, take care. The friendship's worth more than the money, but don't toss the money away. Be diplomatic, and you can have both. Better yet, get the person who owes you to steal all the nice shit the Jones's have instead. Kill two birds with one stone.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Speak up. The person who's misrepresenting you will continue to do so until you put him or her straight. That's right. Beat that nosey prick until he tells everyone you're straight. Just because you go down on your buddies doesn't make you queer.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Reschedule your outing for another time. If you have to travel, pay attention to what's going on around you. Fro example, what are all these dark colored Sedans following you for? Maybe it's not the wisest thing in the world to drive around with a fully functional methamphetamine lab in the trunk of a 1984 Yugo. Maybe you should get your inspection sticker renewed too, you fucking retard.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You don't have enough money to throw around but that's not a problem. You might come up with enough material for a book. Call it "How To Hide White Bitches In A Crawlspace." That's a best seller if I ever heard of one, muvah-fukah!
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
If you've been keeping secrets, 'fess up. Your partner's going to discover them anyway. He or she may have a confession for you, too. It might even help explain all the little blisters on your genitals?
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Plans may have to be changed, and a trip postponed and it may not make sense to go now. If your routine's been disrupted, relax. Find dat ho' and beat her senseless. That bitch got to learn not to smoke what she's trying to sell fo' you!
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
An outing may prove to be more costly than you'd planned. Don't succumb to a child's temper tantrum. Be firm. Beat that little motherfucker black and blue, and keep doing it until he or she learns to keep his or her little mouth shut! Afterward, tell them, "there ain't no Santa Claus." Mental scars take much longer to heal. Earn that worlds greatest dad t-shirt.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You're in the eye of the storm. Others are trying to figure out what to do. You may discover the answer before they do. Here's a hint. The answer involves malt liquor, and a loaded .45. By tomorrow, they'll know who's right.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Think about what you can do for others. Planning will keep costs from escalating. There's no need to go into debt to show how much you care. A good slap to the mouth will keep dat' bitch in line just as good, if not better, than buying some expensive flowers or perfume. Sometimes it's not so much what you say, as it is how you say it, foo.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Your intuition is good and a person who's been hiding the truth may be ready to tell all. Discuss a sensitive matter in the privacy of your home; no need to broadcast it all over town. Why not give them a gentle little nudge? I suggest putting there fucking head in a vice and squeezing until their eye pops out. I guarantee they'll tell you anything you want to know.

 
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