Fugly
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2000
January
February
March
April
May
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Thursday
August 24, 2000


By frank6
August 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
For Stile. You give, and you give, and you give, but nobody ever gives back. You might as well bend over and let them plug you in your whiny little ass, you impudent fuck. I think you really like being reamed. Why else would you put up with it? You don't even charge them admission. You could at least make a buck off your own anal hemorrhaging. What the hell is wrong with you?
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Today is a good day to have a social gathering. What should the theme be? How about dikes? Everybody enjoys a good dike party. Invite the biggest, manliest dikes you know. Drag out your favorite K.D. Lang and Melissa Etheridge cd's. Set up the old badminton net out back. (We all know how dikes love their tennis!) Pop a copy of "Where the Boys Aren't #27" into the DVD player, and let the good times roll.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You need to find a part time job. I suggest pool boy. It combines the two things you do best: banging bikini-clad middle aged housewives, and fishing turds out of the water! This job was made for you. Be careful though, sometimes their husbands come home early. Sometimes they bring guns. You must be ready to grab the skimmer and run at a moments notice. Good luck and keep your head down.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Today is your lucky day for travel and romance. Take a trip down to Tijuana and take in a donkey show. Hit one of the local bars and buy a drink for the first sexy senorita you see. Later, when you wake up naked in a tub full of ice with a note that reads, "Llame a un doctor!" you will realize what a fun place Old Mexico can be. "What's the lucky part," you ask? You still have the other kidney don't you?
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Today is good day to enlist friends to help you. Finally, you can start digging up that UFO that's buried in your backyard. You'll need a pickaxe, several shovels, a jackhammer, some radiation suites, and two cases of MGD. Aliens love MGD. They drink it while they probe your pathetic New Age ass every night. See a therapist. Maybe, he can help you sort through your blocked memories of molestation. Even Trekkies scorn your feeble crystal-gazing existence. Fucking loser! Like you have any friends anyway.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You remind me a lot of Bob Hope today. You ride around in a golf cart, telling one-liners that were out of date, fifty years ago. No, I don't want to buy any Havoline Supreme, you walking fucking corpse. Maybe, a decrepit old dinosaur like yourself should ease up on the Prozac and gin and tonics long enough for somebody to put your withered ass in the ground. Who needs Viagra when you've got rigor mortis? I think they should give you a driver's test every year.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Today and every day, you are a worthless Twinkie eating, crybaby, piece of shit. A thousand times a thousand plagues upon your house. May you become a remedial math teacher to 9th and 10th graders. May your Sweat Hog students load your e-mail up with spam. You shouldn't have suspended them; you should have failed them for plagiarism! Fuck you and your Amish buddies! I hope you choke on that Snickers bar. Oh, and by the way, try "spell check" next time. English teacher my ass!
Aries
March 20- April 19
Today is your day for civil disobedience. The pigs just got in a new shipment of billy clubs, and they're just itching to break 'em in. Click here to resist the fascist power mongers
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Others around you are moving way too fast. In today's world you need an edge on the competition. Take a tip from Dirty Frank and get yourself a revolver. Handguns are the great equalizer, and a 357 magnum ought to slow 'em down plenty. Hell, you can bust open an engine block with one. God made man, but Sam Colt made 'em equal. Fuck the firearm safety course, and get yourself some real hands-on experience.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Today is the day for you to make new friends. Why not try a leper colony. Sure they aren't very pleasant to look at, but once the sun goes down and their skin stops falling off they are a blast. Don't worry, less than one percent of all human beings are capable of contracting leprosy. It's in the genes. Speaking of which, leper girls are the horniest women on the planet, and they are always wet. So, pack your bags and head for Leper Town, USA (I think it's in Hawaii?). Leper girls need love, too!
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
What separates you from the rest of the pack? How can you make all your big, bold dreams happen? You must be willing to do what the others won't. That's right, blowjobs. Either start giving them, or hire someone to give 'em in your proxy. If the thought of giving head bothers you, think of yourself as an artist and your mouth as spunk covered canvas. Don't worry, you'll get used to the sores in no time. Don't gag either, it's not sexy. I hope my secretary takes the hint.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Today is your day to tell it to the Pope. Send the Vatican an e-mail outlining the atrocities of the Catholic Church. Tell John Paul that you don't forgive them for burning your ancestors at the stake, and stealing their land to fill the church coffers. Remind him about the children's crusade, and the inquisition. Tell him that your great-great-great-great grandmother was repeatedly raped, her children killed, her livestock stolen, and her home burned to the ground by Catholic nobles during the Hundred Years War. Tell him that the Earth orbits the Sun. But most of all, tell him to, "KISS YOUR PROTESTANT ASS!"
-frank6 is Catholic and his parents are both Jewish. He has recently been studying Buddism and reading a lot obout Mao Tse Tung. Please don't actually try to call the Pope.
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