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January
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April
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May
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:
Thursday
August 24, 2000
By frank6
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August
2000
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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For
Stile. You give, and you give, and you give, but nobody ever gives
back. You might as well bend over and let them plug you in your whiny
little ass, you impudent fuck. I think you really like being reamed.
Why else would you put up with it? You don't even charge them admission.
You could at least make a buck off your own anal hemorrhaging. What
the hell is wrong with you? |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Today
is a good day to have a social gathering. What should the theme be?
How about dikes? Everybody enjoys a good dike party. Invite the biggest,
manliest dikes you know. Drag out your favorite K.D. Lang and Melissa
Etheridge cd's. Set up the old badminton net out back. (We all know
how dikes love their tennis!) Pop a copy of "Where the Boys Aren't
#27" into the DVD player, and let the good times roll. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You need to
find a part time job. I suggest pool boy. It combines the two things
you do best: banging bikini-clad middle aged housewives, and fishing
turds out of the water! This job was made for you. Be careful though,
sometimes their husbands come home early. Sometimes they bring guns.
You must be ready to grab the skimmer and run at a moments notice.
Good luck and keep your head down.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Today
is your lucky day for travel and romance. Take a trip down to Tijuana
and take in a donkey show. Hit one of the local bars and buy a drink
for the first sexy senorita you see. Later, when you wake up naked
in a tub full of ice with a note that reads, "Llame a un doctor!"
you will realize what a fun place Old Mexico can be. "What's the lucky
part," you ask? You still have the other kidney don't you? |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Today
is good day to enlist friends to help you. Finally, you can start
digging up that UFO that's buried in your backyard. You'll need a
pickaxe, several shovels, a jackhammer, some radiation suites, and
two cases of MGD. Aliens love MGD. They drink it while they probe
your pathetic New Age ass every night. See a therapist. Maybe, he
can help you sort through your blocked memories of molestation. Even
Trekkies scorn your feeble crystal-gazing existence. Fucking loser!
Like you have any friends anyway. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
remind me a lot of Bob Hope today. You ride around in a golf cart,
telling one-liners that were out of date, fifty years ago. No, I don't
want to buy any Havoline Supreme, you walking fucking corpse. Maybe,
a decrepit old dinosaur like yourself should ease up on the Prozac
and gin and tonics long enough for somebody to put your withered ass
in the ground. Who needs Viagra when you've got rigor mortis? I think
they should give you a driver's test every year. |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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Today
and every day, you are a worthless Twinkie eating, crybaby, piece
of shit. A thousand times a thousand plagues upon your house. May
you become a remedial math teacher to 9th and 10th graders. May your
Sweat Hog students load your e-mail up with spam. You shouldn't have
suspended them; you should have failed them for plagiarism! Fuck you
and your Amish buddies! I hope you choke on that Snickers bar. Oh,
and by the way, try "spell check" next time. English teacher my ass! |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Others
around you are moving way too fast. In today's world you need an edge
on the competition. Take a tip from Dirty Frank and get yourself a
revolver. Handguns are the great equalizer, and a 357 magnum ought
to slow 'em down plenty. Hell, you can bust open an engine block with
one. God made man, but Sam Colt made 'em equal. Fuck the firearm safety
course, and get yourself some real hands-on experience. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Today
is the day for you to make new friends. Why not try a leper colony.
Sure they aren't very pleasant to look at, but once the sun goes down
and their skin stops falling off they are a blast. Don't worry, less
than one percent of all human beings are capable of contracting leprosy.
It's in the genes. Speaking of which, leper girls are the horniest
women on the planet, and they are always wet. So, pack your bags and
head for Leper Town, USA (I think it's in Hawaii?). Leper girls need
love, too! |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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What
separates you from the rest of the pack? How can you make all your
big, bold dreams happen? You must be willing to do what the others
won't. That's right, blowjobs. Either start giving them, or hire someone
to give 'em in your proxy. If the thought of giving head bothers you,
think of yourself as an artist and your mouth as spunk covered canvas.
Don't worry, you'll get used to the sores in no time. Don't gag either,
it's not sexy. I hope my secretary takes the hint. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Today
is your day to tell it to the Pope. Send the Vatican an e-mail outlining
the atrocities of the Catholic Church. Tell John Paul that you don't
forgive them for burning your ancestors at the stake, and stealing
their land to fill the church coffers. Remind him about the children's
crusade, and the inquisition. Tell him that your great-great-great-great
grandmother was repeatedly raped, her children killed, her livestock
stolen, and her home burned to the ground by Catholic nobles during
the Hundred Years War. Tell him that the Earth orbits the Sun. But
most of all, tell him to, "KISS YOUR PROTESTANT ASS!"
-frank6 is Catholic and his parents
are both Jewish. He has recently been studying Buddism and reading
a lot obout Mao Tse Tung. Please don't actually try to call the Pope. |
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