Fugly
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2000
January
February
March
April
May
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Wednesday
August 16, 2000


By Martin Felcher
August 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You may be tempted to buy something you don't need. Not a good idea. Instead, buy a gun. A gun is more of an investment, really. You can use it to make a lot more money if you have the nerve. Target older people. They almost expect to be victimized.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You could get wrapped up in a problem that might not get resolved until tomorrow. You have to make sure you get your point of view across, so keep saying it over and over. "No means no" "No means no" "No means no" It might even be a good idea to print it on a t-shirt.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Creative endeavors and romantic pursuits may be on your mind today. You're just full of vital energies and are liable to be feeling a certain lust for life right now. Hahaha. You're so stupid. It's just the caffeine. Once all that Mountain Dew you drank wears off, you'll be back to normal, and even deeper in depression. Next time, smoke some crack. It might last longer.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You have to be persuasive today. Everybody is more persuasive when they're waving a gun around and screaming at the top of their lungs to "Get the fuck on the floor". Just a suggestion.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You're in the mood to try something new, but it's not quite time yet. Isn't that what we always tell you? Look, to be honest, you'll never be ready to try something new. That's why you have no friends and why everyone thinks you're boring. You suck.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You need to be with somebody you love, so give that top priority. Seriously. You'd better go see them because next time you call, you'll find out they've just been killed. I wonder who it will be.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You might be feeling so good that you don't really feel like making much of an effort at anything right now. Then again, you never really fell like making much of an effort at anything. You're just a naturally complacent, lethargic slob. It's ok. Why don't you go get some more to eat?
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
The Sun is in Uranus. Err. wait. Your anus. At least it feels like it's the Sun. That horrible burning could only mean one thing. Herpes. No one feel sorry for you. You should have worn a rubber, you idiot
Aries
March 20- April 19
Don't be so hard on yourself. Things are not always what they seem. He was probably on estrogen or something anyway, and with all of that makeup, how were you supposed to know. Just brush your teeth a few times and try to forget about it. Fag.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
It would be good to get involved with your favorite group today. Since your favorite group is NAMBLA, you should get involved in your second favorite group. The Boy Scouts. It's almost the same thing anyway.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You may feel a tad inhibited today. Nothing lowers inhibitions better than malt-liquor. That's right. Drink up, fat boy. Somebody who's making demands on you is rather annoying, too. Go for the eyes, and you'll do more damage.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
What are you doing? All you do is look at porn all day, you lazy piece of shit. You're going to get fired if you don't quit fucking off and do some actual work.
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