Fugly
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
August 14, 2000


By Evil Sarah
August 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Opposites do attract, but you may have to make the first move. The other person seems a little standoffish but that figures since he or she is your opposite! If you rub your crotch on his or her leg, he or she might get the hint. Maybe try 'marking' him or her with your own urine. It works for animals most of the time.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
You are naturally good at taking care of people but you may not be making the best use of labor-saving devices. One you discover today could make your life a lot easier. It won't make as much noise as a gun, and won't draw as much attention. You'll find it hard to believe that it was right there in your garage all this time.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Did you know that police officers just love it when you run toward them with a toy pistol in your hand? It's true. Why not try it today? Why not try it in the nude, covered in pig's blood? You can get some from your local butcher shop.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

This could be a slow, methodical and frustrating day. Aren't they all though? Face it; you're never going to be able to succeed in a normal society. See if you can get yourself into one of those group homes with a bunch of other retards. Dumb ass.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Sagittarius is the sign of the professor, the judge and the priest. Maybe that what makes most of you a bunch of know-it-all, self-riotous, child molesters. Fuck you and all Sagittariuses like you. I hope you get hit by a car today, you prick.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Can you turn other people's money into your own? That's the challenge every entrepreneur faces, however, not every entrepreneur has the balls to pistol whip some old lady and take her social security check right outside of a bank in broad daylight. You must be some sort of visionary.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Somebody's trying to tell you what to do. Tell them they can go fuck themselves. You know what you're doing. You just turned 13 for Christ's sake. When are they going to start treating you like the adult you are?
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You may have a difficult job in front of you. Unfortunately, the person who wants this done isn't explaining the assignment well. You best thing for you to do is to pretend that you understand what they want, and then half-ass it as usual. Fuck them. You're getting paid by the hour. What do you care?
Aries
March 20- April 19
You are fucked. I'm not kidding. You better just get the hell out of town right now. Man, I'm glad I'm not you.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Somebody who's older than you has some definite ideas about how things should be done. Somebody's who's older needs to get his or her ass kicked. You don't have to take any more of their shit, and you certainly don't have to be 'catcher' all the time. Today, while they're asleep, light them on fire.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
The Sun is in Leo. You could go for a jaunt today. A jaunt? No, that's not it. Wait. It's coming to me now. You have jaundice! Oh, shit. Sorry. Maybe you should see a doctor.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
The Sun is in Leo. Should you keep the money or spend it? Should you save it or get a toy you've wanted for a long time? Well, consider this. You'll be dead in two weeks. Does that make it any easier for you?
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