Fugly
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2000
January
February
March
April
May
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
August 11, 2000


By frank6
August 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You haven't been responsive to your mate's requests lately. That's ok, there's many ways to interpret the phrase "wrong hole." It can be a complaint, or a suggestion. I like to interpret it in the existential sense. There exists a hole, such that it could be perceived as the wrong one, when contrasted with another whole conceived of by a third party as the right one. I say, "Who cares which hole it is?" Penis knows best. If you spend too much time second-guessing your dick, you'll never have any fun.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Love is a fickle cold-hearted bitch. Kick her in the uterus, then kick her to the curb. Whiskey is the only one you can really depend on in this life. That, and perhaps a good whorehouse. Put the two together and you have a recipe for a long and happy life. Watch out for STD's though. Hell, what am I saying? You Virgos always come prepared.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Today is the day to start educating yourself. You are not alone. Erectile dysfunction, and frigidity are more common than you think. See your doctor for possible remedies and treatments. A sex surrogate might be able to help you with your little problem, too. They sound like prostitutes, but they are actually trained "therapists." Check one out. They are in the Yellow pages. Hang in there little guy/gal. You don't have to live that way.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Today is the day to schedule a little rendezvous. The boss' wife has wanted you for some time now. Take her out for a nice dinner, then back to a seedy hotel for a little of the old in-out. Make sure you hide the camcorder good, and that the camera angle hides your face. After a little editing, drop the video into a VCR at the next office party. I'm sure you'll all have a good laugh.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Some one is holding out on you today. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Find that rat and string him up in the basement from the rafters. Whip him with an electrical cord until he gives up the goods. After that, stick a ball muzzle in his mouth and throw him in the dog cage out back for a few hours. Tell him that next time he'll lose a finger. That'll teach that bastard to take advantage of you.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Today you might be called for jury duty. Think of it a vacation from your daily grind. Maybe you'll get something juicy like a murder trial. Relax and enjoy the crime scene photos. You can never get tired of seeing severed heads. If you get bored and the trial drags on too long, you can always leak information to the press. After the mistrial you can return to your job rested and relaxed. We all know that justice is a crazy old whore blinded by syphilis.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Stay focused today, and budget your time wisely. Why not become a call girl? That way, you can fuck and get paid at the same time. You'll get plenty of rest, and spend most of the day (or night) on your back. It sounds like a dream come true, doesn't it? It's a great way to make connections, too. If you could only stuff your face full of chocolate at the same time, I bet you'd be in heaven.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You're too busy to worry about money matters right now. I suggest you find your self a financial advisor. In fact, I am willing to offer my services to you right now. Just transfer all your funds to any one of my many Swiss banks accounts, and all your troubles will be over. Who loves you? Who takes care of you? That's right, ol' Papa Frank does.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You are unstoppable today. You are like a hooker in her prime ready to take a ride a round the world with four drunken frat boys. You are pimp of the year and then some. Why not branch into wild untamed territory? Try selling drugs or guns. It's time to see how the big boys play.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Today is your day to invest in some real estate. Why not become a slumlord? Sink some money into section eight housing. Then if the place gets too run down, you can torch and collect the insurance. With the extra loot you can buy yourself a retirement community and cheat the elderly out of those hard-earned social security checks. You can double bill them every month and they won't remember if they've paid or not. The cash will come rolling in!
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
It is time to let go of old, worn out patterns. Tell your girlfriend that you want an open relationship, and would like to see other people. Start with her best friend. You know that's an easy one. Her best friend always wanted your dick any way. Hell, even if she didn't, she'd probably fuck you out of spite. Girls are petty that way. Now is your opportunity to reap the endless bounty that is "estrogen psychosis."
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Today is a good day to make a list. Come up with a list of all the people you would most like to shoot. Many of you have keeping just such a list in your head for some time now. Now it's time to put it all down on paper. My list includes: John Luvitz (she should've shot Luvitz!), Jamie Lee Curtis, Sandra Bernhard, Jesse Helms, Kenny G, that stupid Pepsi girl, and that Old Navy whore. I'm sure you'll make me proud. Happy Hunting.
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