| |
|
|
|
January
|
February
|
|
March
|
April
|
|
May
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:
Thursday
August 10, 2000
By frank6
|
|
August
2000
|
|
S
|
M
|
T
|
W
|
T
|
F
|
S
|
|
_
|
_
|
|
2
|
|
|
5
|
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
|
|
|
12
|
|
13
|
|
15
|
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
|
20
|
21
|
|
23
|
|
25
|
26
|
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
_
|
_
|
|
Aquarius
|
Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
|
 |
Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
|
Today
is a day best spent in meditation. I suggest finding a nice quiet
corner where you can read your new copy of the Charles Manson biography.
Now there's a real take-charge guy. He wasn't afraid of shit! You
can learn a lot from a guy like Charlie. Try carving a swastika into
your forehead, too. I believe it will put you in the proper mind set.
|
|
|
|
 |
Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
|
If
you listen real close you might get a hot tip today. Try bugging the
phone of a family member, or going through your boss' mail. Look for
juicy stuff like adultery, or real estate scams. A little research
now can put you on the right track to future dividends. |
|
|
|
 |
Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
|
You
have knack for diplomacy and travel today. Have you ever thought about
being a mule? I'm not talking about the sterile offspring of a donkey
and a horse. I'm talking about swallowing balloons filled with cocaine,
and then crossing the Mexican border. If one of the balloons bursts
open in the middle of the customs office, you can have your own little
toxic seizure fiesta right there. I'll bring the chips and salsa! |
|
|
|
 |
Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
|
Traffic may
be a little heavy today. Makes sure you are prepared. Bring some
dark sunglasses, a six-pack of tallboys, and the firearm of your
choice. Oh, and music, loud and heavy. May I suggest "Reign in Blood"
by Slayer? Now you are ready for a romping good round of road rage
warrior. Don't disappoint me.
|
|
|
|
 |
Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
|
An
elderly person needs your attention today. Perhaps it is your mother,
who you had declared incompetent and sent to rest home last fall.
It is time to brave that awful urine smell and put an end to all her
suffering. Just cover her face with a pillow while the nurse is away,
and you'll be on your way to collecting that long over due inheritance
your dad left you. Besides, paying for rest homes is like throwing
good money after bad. |
|
|
|
 |
Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
|
You
are a pirate's dream today: big booty with a sunken chest. Yes, you're
quite a little treasure. Now, go sidle up to the nearest drunken sailor
and tell him you'd like to walk the plank. Maybe, he will set course
for your secret cove and drop anchor. Today's philosophy: "any old
port in a storm!" |
|
|
|
 |
Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
|
Today
is a good day for venturing some capital. Why not invest in sperm
bank. Donors are always easy to find, and there's always plenty of
nice young lesbian couples looking for good swimmers. If you really
want to make the big bucks, find a town near a nuclear power plant
and set up shop. There's gold for you in them thar radioactive hills.
|
|
|
|
 |
Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
|
You
really need to find a mentor. I suggest Ron Jeremy. Sure, he's a fat
disgusting pig, but that man has fucked every hot, slutty whore the
adult film industry has to offer. In some third world countries he
has even been declared a god. So, grow a big cheesy mustache and take
some lessons from the fat man. It will change your life. You betcha! |
|
|
|
 |
Aries
March
20- April 19
|
You
are feeling a little edgy today. What you need is downers and plenty
of them! Try to score some Valium. It is the ultimate chill pill.
If not, there's always the ever-popular cannabis plant. Stay away
from that Mexican shit, though. It's full of pesticides and god knows
what else. Whatever sedative you decide on, partake liberally until
your nervous locust mind is liberated. |
|
|
|
 |
Taurus
April
19 - May 20
|
Today
is the day to find a cheap and simple way to spruce up your home.
Might I suggest new wheels for the trailer? They are welcome addition
to any doublewide. They tell the rest of your Bud swilling neighbors,
"Look at me. I'm the king of Trailer Hell!" |
|
|
|
 |
Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
|
Today
you are feeling lucky. Why not buy your sweetheart something special.
Go down to the local adult bookstore and pick them out a video or
new toy. Try to stay away from things that will make you feel inferior,
or plug directly into the wall. Ask that smelly biker dude behind
the counter for suggestions. He's a certified romance specialist. |
|
|
|
 |
Cancer
June
21 - July 22
|
It's
about time you had a party. Try a toga party. All you need are some
bed sheets, wreathes made from your neighbor's laurel tree. Remember,
no toga party is complete without a Roman orgy, and a vomitorium.
You can make chariots out of shopping carts from the local grocery
store, and have races in the parking lot of your apartment complex.
You can even make a prostitute out of your local senator's wife. The
possibilities are endless if you use your imagination. |
|
|
|
