Fugly
Did you know?... The 7-Eleven Extreme Gulp is 50% bigger than the volume of the human stomach!
2000
January
February
March
April
May
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Thursday
August 10, 2000


By frank6
August 2000
S
M
T
W
T
F
S
_
_
2
5
6
7
8
12
13
15
17
18
19
20
21
23
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
_
_


Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Today is a day best spent in meditation. I suggest finding a nice quiet corner where you can read your new copy of the Charles Manson biography. Now there's a real take-charge guy. He wasn't afraid of shit! You can learn a lot from a guy like Charlie. Try carving a swastika into your forehead, too. I believe it will put you in the proper mind set.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
If you listen real close you might get a hot tip today. Try bugging the phone of a family member, or going through your boss' mail. Look for juicy stuff like adultery, or real estate scams. A little research now can put you on the right track to future dividends.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You have knack for diplomacy and travel today. Have you ever thought about being a mule? I'm not talking about the sterile offspring of a donkey and a horse. I'm talking about swallowing balloons filled with cocaine, and then crossing the Mexican border. If one of the balloons bursts open in the middle of the customs office, you can have your own little toxic seizure fiesta right there. I'll bring the chips and salsa!
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Traffic may be a little heavy today. Makes sure you are prepared. Bring some dark sunglasses, a six-pack of tallboys, and the firearm of your choice. Oh, and music, loud and heavy. May I suggest "Reign in Blood" by Slayer? Now you are ready for a romping good round of road rage warrior. Don't disappoint me.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
An elderly person needs your attention today. Perhaps it is your mother, who you had declared incompetent and sent to rest home last fall. It is time to brave that awful urine smell and put an end to all her suffering. Just cover her face with a pillow while the nurse is away, and you'll be on your way to collecting that long over due inheritance your dad left you. Besides, paying for rest homes is like throwing good money after bad.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You are a pirate's dream today: big booty with a sunken chest. Yes, you're quite a little treasure. Now, go sidle up to the nearest drunken sailor and tell him you'd like to walk the plank. Maybe, he will set course for your secret cove and drop anchor. Today's philosophy: "any old port in a storm!"
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Today is a good day for venturing some capital. Why not invest in sperm bank. Donors are always easy to find, and there's always plenty of nice young lesbian couples looking for good swimmers. If you really want to make the big bucks, find a town near a nuclear power plant and set up shop. There's gold for you in them thar radioactive hills.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You really need to find a mentor. I suggest Ron Jeremy. Sure, he's a fat disgusting pig, but that man has fucked every hot, slutty whore the adult film industry has to offer. In some third world countries he has even been declared a god. So, grow a big cheesy mustache and take some lessons from the fat man. It will change your life. You betcha!
Aries
March 20- April 19
You are feeling a little edgy today. What you need is downers and plenty of them! Try to score some Valium. It is the ultimate chill pill. If not, there's always the ever-popular cannabis plant. Stay away from that Mexican shit, though. It's full of pesticides and god knows what else. Whatever sedative you decide on, partake liberally until your nervous locust mind is liberated.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Today is the day to find a cheap and simple way to spruce up your home. Might I suggest new wheels for the trailer? They are welcome addition to any doublewide. They tell the rest of your Bud swilling neighbors, "Look at me. I'm the king of Trailer Hell!"
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Today you are feeling lucky. Why not buy your sweetheart something special. Go down to the local adult bookstore and pick them out a video or new toy. Try to stay away from things that will make you feel inferior, or plug directly into the wall. Ask that smelly biker dude behind the counter for suggestions. He's a certified romance specialist.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
It's about time you had a party. Try a toga party. All you need are some bed sheets, wreathes made from your neighbor's laurel tree. Remember, no toga party is complete without a Roman orgy, and a vomitorium. You can make chariots out of shopping carts from the local grocery store, and have races in the parking lot of your apartment complex. You can even make a prostitute out of your local senator's wife. The possibilities are endless if you use your imagination.
Contact | Privacy | Copyright