Fugly
Did you know?... Iguanas have two penises!
2000
January
February
March
April
May
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Friday
August 4, 2000


By frank6
August 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
This is a busy day for you. You'll spend most of the day running around. Your ass is on fire, and you have projectile diarrhea. You will be painting the porcelain all day long, so get used to it. By the time you are done, your ass will be bloody and raw as a piece of meat at the butcher shop. Stock up on extra soft Sharmin and tucks medicated pads. Have a bucket of ice ready too, so you can cool your swollen sphincter off when you are done. Happy hemorrhoids.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Today is your lucky day. No more virgin for you. Fuck your whimpy conservative sensibilities. Go to the nearest bar and find the drunkest, sleaziest, whore in the room. Buy her a drink and try to take her home. If that doesn't work offer her money. I'm sure she'll take it. Like I said, "It's your lucky day!" Ladies, put on your sluttiest dress. Wait, don't even wear any clothes. Just chant HYMEN BE GONE three times, go outside and walk up to the first man you see and ask him to FUCK. You'll make some sorry sap's day. Oh, and don't forget to e-mail me and let me know when you plan to leave the house.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Hey Joe, travel in your forecast today. Go fly Thailand and find youself nice fourteen year-old hooker, one with nice perky b-cups titties and sexy Asian accent. So what if she already past her prime, what the diff. Asian girls always tight. Buy her stuffed animal and all snortable dope she want. When she on nod, steal her clothes and kick bitch out into street. It local custom. Besides, if you don't, she rob you blind while you sleeping and cut off you hairy American balls. Rhen in Lome.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Today, all your troubles end. All you need to do is give yourself a vasectomy, or get your tubes tied. Just think about it. No longer will the dark specter of unwanted pregnancy rear its ugly, inconvenient head. If you can't get an appointment to have it done soon, try severing the ties that bind yourself. Here's a list of supplies that you might find useful: gauze, a very sharp carving knife, scissors, thread, a small hand mirror, a portable desk lamp, a staple gun, some newspaper, hydrogen peroxide, a wet-vac, two hamsters, a jar of peanut butter, some super glue and gallon jug of Jim Beam. But remember, it takes a steady hand to do the job right. One wrong move and.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You are just teaming with suggestions today. Well, I have suggestion for you: GO FUCK YOURSELF! That's right you goofy bastard, GO FUCK YOURSELF. I'm sick of all your feebleminded ramblings and incessant whining. You make me want to puke. I don't care how you do it, just do it. Fuck yourself with a golf club. Fuck yourself with a garden weasel. Fuck yourself with an electric mixer. Fuck yourself with a table saw. Fuck yourself with a shotgun and pull the fucking trigger for all I fucking care. Fucking idiot. I HATE YOUR GUTS.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
In today's world it takes a little something extra to get ahead in the workplace. My advice is to wear a low cut sweater and a mini-skirt with six-inch spike heels. Drop your pen in front of in front of your boss' desk and bend over slowly to pick it up. Ask him to go out for drinks after work. He probably doesn't care how much work you do. He only hired you to get into your pants. How are your chrome polishing skills? Being able to suck a golf ball through a garden hose will really get his attention. Breast implants are a nice touch, too. If that none of that gets you a raise, you boss is a fucking queer.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Today is the day you find your dream spouse. Might I suggest Russian mail order brides? Sure, most of them are gold digging Slavic slutbags, but they are cheap in the economic sense too. Just keep 'em full of Smirnoff and cheetos and they'll treat you like a king. Take them to McDonald's and they'll probably suck you off in the drive through. Can you say special sauce? Who Soviet girls are horny as all hell. It's those long Russian winters. Glasnost is awesome! Remember Catherine the Great? Now there was a fine piece of ass.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Today is the day to indulge yourself. Strap on the old feedbag and eat any thing that's not bolted down. Oh, that's right. You already do. You fat pathetic piece of hippo cellulite. Your ass has it's own zip code. Maybe you should ease up on the ho-ho's long enough to wipe the barbeque sauce off of your triple chin and take look in the mirror. You wake up in a pile of chicken bones and Snickers wrappers every morning. That should tell you something. You salivate at the sight of dachshunds. They'll probably have to bury you in a piano box, lard-ass.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You are very powerful and persuasive right now. Have you ever though about becoming a Mormon? The possibilities are endless. You can have ten wives and live in Utah. Bigamy, polygamy, and all the igamy your horny husk can take. You can apply to Brigham Young University. They even have some cool offshoot groups in Mexico. It kinda sucks if you are woman, unless you are bisexual. Then, you can have all the lovin' your hungry little hole can handle. Maybe they will even make you a later day saint. Hell, I'd settle for being a later day sinner. Sign me up!
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You are feeling creative today. Try painting a mural in your own blood, or someone else's. I find small incisions in the wrist work great and flow most readily. If you can find a homeless donor, try the jugular. There's lots burgundy goodness in there. If blood's not your bag, try human excrement. There's nothing like fine fecal art to pack 'em in at the gallery (just ask Mapelthorpe). Remember to wipe afterwards, though.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Today is the day to surround your self with supernormal stimuli. Take your lover to a strip club. Find one that features girls that have enormous hooters. I'm talking grotesquely large gazongas. Each breast must be twice the size of the dancer's head. Tip them well, and drink as much crappy Bud Ice as you can. Get a lap dance or three. Your lover will praise you for showing them such a great time. And better yet, you will both be primed for a raunchy evening of crazy coyote coitus.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Today is the day to buy a new appliance. Try the new Rodeo Time 2069 mechanical sex bull. It bucks. It sucks. It even moos. Add a straw hat and a pair of spurs, and it's buckaroo bonsai pardner. With four fully functional orifices and ten vibrating attachments, it's fun for a girl or a boy. Satisfaction guaranteed. You may never leave the house again.
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