Fugly
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2000
January
February
March
April
May
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Thursday
August 3, 2000


By frank6
August 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You need some quick cash today. If you like getting your hands dirty, try stealing a car or armed robbery. Maybe you could get into a shootout with the L.A. police. If you can't manage that, car chases are cool, too. If you're into white-collar crime try insider trading. It's very, I mean I've heard it's very lucrative if you get in with the right bunch of folks. Good luck, you can do it champ.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Your help is required by a group of people today. I believe (though the stars are unclear) it is the American Nazi Party. They have great rallies. They get those cool skinhead bands to play, too. They throw awesome parades; at least they did in the good old days. Tune in to the History Channel every night after 11pm EST and check 'em out for yourself. Wow, what a spectacle. all the tickertape is inspiring.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Things are kind of a messy today. You're bills are pilling up. It's time to start your own religion. Then, you can tell all creditors that they can go to hell (and mean it) when they try to collect. You'll get tax-exempt status, too. And think of all the chicks! The ladies always love evangelists. Remember, you must be all things to all people.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

Today is good day for teamwork. Join one of those private adult clubs, and go there tonight. Try to find an orgy and join in. If there's no orgy then try and get a threesome going. Don't about worry protection either. Condom's spoil the mood, and are a pain in the ass to put on. Listen to me and I will make you a god.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You are far too tightly wrapped today. Get on the next plane to Vegas and take some chances. Get blind drunk on the flight and throw up in the airplane lavatory. Drinks are free at the casinos, so keep drinking and bet on red. Remember, RED. Rent a car, drive to Reno and visit the Bunny Ranch. You get to pick 'em off a menu! Ladies, you too. They cater to all kinds there, so be adventurous. Above all, relax, unwind, and enjoy yourself.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Today is a good day to start a new business. Might I suggest tele-fraud? Sure, it takes a little planning, but the payoff is worth it. Target the elderly. Snowbirds are always suckers for a good phone scam. Be creative, though. You don't want to bee too obvious. Remember, mobility is the key. Move quickly and travel light, and all the feds will find is an empty office, and some old phone books.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Today is your day to start hording. The end is near. The apocalypse is upon you. Buy a fallout shelter, and collect as many canned and dry goods as you can. Go to Wal-Mart and buy some shotguns and all the ammo you can get your frantic little hands on. Oh, and porn, buy lots of porn, too. DVD if you can. The resolution is much better and they will last twenty years or more. It's damn hard to splice videotape back together with the four horsemen breathing down your neck. It's called the age the Age of Aquarius because only Aquarians will survive, but YOU MUST ACT NOW!
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Your mother is in needs some assistance today. I dumped that bitch this morning and she needs some help dusting off her vibrator collection. If you give her a hand she might just give you one. She might even give you a nice warm bath like when you were little. Remember. You sick fucking pup. I'm glad a dumped that perverted little whore. Tell her I said that she needs to shave that mustache off. Cunt.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Romance is a pain in the ass today. Your girlfriend's horny but your wife wants you to take her out to dinner. Tell your bitch-ass wife you have to work late tonight. She's a cow and needs to go on a diet anyway. After you're done banging your young buxom mistress, bring your wife home a six-pack of slim-fast and tell her that she's still your little heifer. After that she probably won't want to go out to dinner for quite a while.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You've spent too much time lately on household projects. I don't know why you bother. Your fleabag apartment is a worthless piece of shit. Why not torch the place and collect the insurance money. Before you do, throw a big blow out and trash the place.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You have a close and loving family. Today's the day to show some appreciation. Take that bunch of inbred freaks down to the pet store and buy them all flea collars. After that, stop by the pawnshop and unload some of those extra chromosomes you're sporting. Tie cousin Billy to a post outside. It's warm weather for god's sake. Get rid of that pee-stained living room rug while you're at it.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You are quite the long-range planner today. You've got it all figured out: which porn you're gonna watch, what hand you're gonna use. The only question on your mind is lube or not to lube. Yep, quite the little planner. Romantic, too. You've even lit scented candles for yourself, you pathetic fucking pud-boy.
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