Fugly
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2000
January
February
March
April
May
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Tuesday
August 1, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
August 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
'Loopy Jupi' (my own personal nickname for Jupiter) is going crazy this month! All rings are half price! Cosmic advice is only 19.99! Prices are insane!
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
An opportunity will be headed your way very quickly, but if you hop out of the way it won't hit you. Why would you want to have to deal with that kind of pressure?
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
With four planets lined up in your 12th house, your interplanetary house of hoes is really rocking! You will certainly make some good cash today.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

This is a good day to give blood; if you weren't so stingy, that is. Instead, you will probably spend the day counting and recounting each and every white blood cell you have and laughing with a crazy diabolical laugh. You are a selfish maniac.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You are aching to pack up and go. What are you waiting for? Six out of ten planets agree that it would be the best thing you could do to improve your life and the easiest way to ditch your court date.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Feeling unmotivated? Why not recruit an unwitting friend to the gym? They will feel guilty if they don't show up and help shape up your fat ass, so you can be sure they'll be there. But will you?
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
On the 16th, emotions will be running hot. It will certainly not be a good time to be around. But you have plenty of time to plan a vacation and you can be out of here by then.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You may be ready to take a few steps forward. Physical therapy has been long and embarrassing, but you have pulled through. I am sure this whole thing will make you think the next time you go surfing during a tornado. Stupid.
Aries
March 20- April 19
After years of being underpaid, you are finally going to get what you deserve: fired.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Others are suggesting you put romantic hardships behind you but the stars suggest you sit right on top of them and ride them like a banshee.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Jupiter was supposed to bring you lots of luck this month but he wanted me to tell you he got a flat tire somewhere along the Milky Way and probably won't be able to make it 'till next month. But he says to hang in there.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Hmm....from here, your future seems grim. However, there is so much planetary activity going on in your anus, you won't even notice.
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