Fugly
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2005
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
December 26, 2005


By L.T. Jackson
December 2005
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You and your partner need to have a serious conversation. You have to figure out how much you have to spend, and roughly what you'll get with it. You want some smack and she wants gin and juice, again. Is that silly bitch ever going to get tired of gin and juice?
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You may be drowning in paperwork. The trouble is, you can't just light a match to it because there's something important buried in there. It's your kid. Poke around in there with a pitchfork or something and get him out, then its burn baby BURN!
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You start out lucky, and charming. But your demeanor changes later in the day. Later in the day, when you break out the duct tape, and chloroform. Lucky you, another set of hands for your collection and a nice set of fingers for your necklace. Go get em' tiger!
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
You'd just as soon avoid attention, but that might be difficult. I mean how many people do you know that have been on Americas Most Wanted 8 times? Wear a mask next time, you idiot.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Frustrations are abundant, and a sure thing will slip out of reach if you don't start to grow. Your problem is one of expansion. Why not get some of the peewee's from the neighborhood playground to push tha' rock for you? They'll do it for practically nothing if you buy them a beeper. Remember to smack one around real good so no one squeals if they get pinched.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You're getting stronger so don't give up. You don't have it so bad, anyway. You can even provide a shoulder to cry on for a friend who's more upset than you are. Keep hitting the old weight pile, and remember who you are. You are the 'Queen of Cellblock G'.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Money's tight right now, and you may be on edge. No point in arguing with your partner about it. Arguing will get you nowhere. Violence, however, seems to always set things straight. Smack her in the mouth and remind her to have ALL your fucking money next time!
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
There's way too much for one person to do in a measly 24 hours. Luckily you got your welfare check the other day and the heroin sure does help take the edge off of that nagging Holiday Cheer. See if you can make it another 48 hours before your next fix, you loser.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You're lucky in love. That's the good news. The bad news is that your love interest isn't human. Gee, I guess it's really not all that impressive after all. Way to go, psycho. I bet your mom and dad are very proud.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Extra work should bring in extra money, and put you in the middle of the action. That's right; Smokey is always looking for a new runner. Just try not to sell any more dummies to people that carry guns.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You're very smart, and that's wonderful. You're mastering new skills, and they make you look good. The toothbrush goes up and down, soap and water are used best together. You're really getting the hang of it. Now if someone can teach you what toilet paper is for and get you to stop biting your nails...
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You'll find things get easier soon. That's right, the more you get ass-raped in prison, the easier it gets. Oh I almost forgot, while you are locked up, your spouse is fucking your brother/sister.

 
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