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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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June
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July
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August
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September
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October
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November
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December
2005
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M |
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F |
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You
and your partner need to have a serious conversation. You have to
figure out how much you have to spend, and roughly what you'll get
with it. You want some smack and she wants gin and juice, again. Is
that silly bitch ever going to get tired of gin and juice?
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You
may be drowning in paperwork. The trouble is, you can't just light
a match to it because there's something important buried in there.
It's your kid. Poke around in there with a pitchfork or something
and get him out, then its burn baby BURN! |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You
start out lucky, and charming. But your demeanor changes later in
the day. Later in the day, when you break out the duct tape, and chloroform.
Lucky you, another set of hands for your collection and a nice set
of fingers for your necklace. Go get em' tiger! |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You'd
just as soon avoid attention, but that might be difficult. I mean
how many people do you know that have been on Americas Most Wanted
8 times? Wear a mask next time, you idiot. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Frustrations
are abundant, and a sure thing will slip out of reach if you don't
start to grow. Your problem is one of expansion. Why not get some
of the peewee's from the neighborhood playground to push tha' rock
for you? They'll do it for practically nothing if you buy them a beeper.
Remember to smack one around real good so no one squeals if they get
pinched. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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You're
getting stronger so don't give up. You don't have it so bad, anyway.
You can even provide a shoulder to cry on for a friend who's more
upset than you are. Keep hitting the old weight pile, and remember
who you are. You are the 'Queen of Cellblock G'. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Money's
tight right now, and you may be on edge. No point in arguing with
your partner about it. Arguing will get you nowhere. Violence, however,
seems to always set things straight. Smack her in the mouth and remind
her to have ALL your fucking money next time! |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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There's
way too much for one person to do in a measly 24 hours. Luckily you
got your welfare check the other day and the heroin sure does help
take the edge off of that nagging Holiday Cheer. See if you can make
it another 48 hours before your next fix, you loser. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You're
lucky in love. That's the good news. The bad news is that your love
interest isn't human. Gee, I guess it's really not all that impressive
after all. Way to go, psycho. I bet your mom and dad are very proud. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Extra
work should bring in extra money, and put you in the middle of the
action. That's right; Smokey is always looking for a new runner. Just
try not to sell any more dummies to people that carry guns. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You're
very smart, and that's wonderful. You're mastering new skills, and
they make you look good. The toothbrush goes up and down, soap and
water are used best together. You're really getting the hang of it.
Now if someone can teach you what toilet paper is for and get you
to stop biting your nails... |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You'll find
things get easier soon. That's right, the more you get ass-raped
in prison, the easier it gets. Oh I almost forgot, while you are
locked up, your spouse is fucking your brother/sister.
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