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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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If
you and your partner have a spat, it's partially because you don't
agree and partially because your nerves are on edge and partially
because you relationship is falling apart and partially because they
are cheating on you and partially because you're gay. Give it up.
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You're
a hard worker, but today expect complications. You may not have much
time for family. Schedule a meeting with them for tomorrow like they're
some kind of business associate or something. That’s so condescending
and makes you look like even more of a dick. You're a terrible husband/wife/mother/father/child.
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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If
a loved one complains about a lack of funds, stay cool. Instead of
getting upset, use this as your inspiration. Get them to do all sorts
of degrading things that they'd never do if you weren't holding the
money over their head. See how low they'll stoop and then call them
a worthless whore. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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You
may want to stay close to home and tidy things up. It may take a lot
of scrubbing to get that huge bloodstain off the carpet, but when
the cops start asking questions, you'll be glad you put in the effort.
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Is
somebody telling you to do something stupid, like jumping off a building
to see if you can fly? You're a nice person, but this could rattle
you. Maybe you ought to do what they ask. That's a good way to prove
it won't work. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Someone
has slipped LSD into the last thing you ate or drank. Stay calm, and
get to a hospital as quickly as possible. You're just going to have
to ride this one out. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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No
more money's in it for you, if you're right. You might want to bite
your tongue and let the other person find out the hard way. It will
be funny watching them go broke and have to give up their house. Maybe
their spouse will divorce them too. If this happens, offer you condolences,
but secretly try and date their ex. You can chuckle to yourself every
time you see either one of them from then on. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You're
sharp, but you may also be irritated. You're never going to find the
answer you're seeking by worrying about it. Ask an expert to help.
Call 411. It's really a misnomer that they only handle telephone directory
information. You can find out all sorts of things from these friendly
people. If they don't have the answer right away, ask to speak to
their supervisor. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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If you have financial
difficulties, don't try to borrow the money now. You can get what
you need another way. You can steal it, blackmail your neighbor
or sell drugs. If you have young children, you can pimp them out
to Japanese businessmen. Financial opportunities are all around
you.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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If
you and a friend aren't getting along, it might not be the other guy's
fault. It doesn't really matter though does it? You're not about to
admit you’re wrong, you ignorant fucking prick. It's all about
you isn't it, you dick. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You
may have to get together with loved ones during the day for your relative's
funeral. What? Didn't anyone tell you they died? You idiot, you'd
better hurry or you're going to look like a real asshole. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Things
may not go quite as planned. You might find you don't have enough
to buy what you want. You'll find a way. You always do since you're
so addicted to the stuff and don't want to go through the sweats and
vomiting again. That methadone doesn't do a fucking thing for you
either. |
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