Fugly
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2003
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Monday
March 10, 2003


By: Martin
March 2003
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
If you and your partner have a spat, it's partially because you don't agree and partially because your nerves are on edge and partially because you relationship is falling apart and partially because they are cheating on you and partially because you're gay. Give it up.
Aries
March 20- April 19
You're a hard worker, but today expect complications. You may not have much time for family. Schedule a meeting with them for tomorrow like they're some kind of business associate or something. That’s so condescending and makes you look like even more of a dick. You're a terrible husband/wife/mother/father/child.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
If a loved one complains about a lack of funds, stay cool. Instead of getting upset, use this as your inspiration. Get them to do all sorts of degrading things that they'd never do if you weren't holding the money over their head. See how low they'll stoop and then call them a worthless whore.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You may want to stay close to home and tidy things up. It may take a lot of scrubbing to get that huge bloodstain off the carpet, but when the cops start asking questions, you'll be glad you put in the effort.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Is somebody telling you to do something stupid, like jumping off a building to see if you can fly? You're a nice person, but this could rattle you. Maybe you ought to do what they ask. That's a good way to prove it won't work.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Someone has slipped LSD into the last thing you ate or drank. Stay calm, and get to a hospital as quickly as possible. You're just going to have to ride this one out.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
No more money's in it for you, if you're right. You might want to bite your tongue and let the other person find out the hard way. It will be funny watching them go broke and have to give up their house. Maybe their spouse will divorce them too. If this happens, offer you condolences, but secretly try and date their ex. You can chuckle to yourself every time you see either one of them from then on.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
You're sharp, but you may also be irritated. You're never going to find the answer you're seeking by worrying about it. Ask an expert to help. Call 411. It's really a misnomer that they only handle telephone directory information. You can find out all sorts of things from these friendly people. If they don't have the answer right away, ask to speak to their supervisor.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

If you have financial difficulties, don't try to borrow the money now. You can get what you need another way. You can steal it, blackmail your neighbor or sell drugs. If you have young children, you can pimp them out to Japanese businessmen. Financial opportunities are all around you.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
If you and a friend aren't getting along, it might not be the other guy's fault. It doesn't really matter though does it? You're not about to admit you’re wrong, you ignorant fucking prick. It's all about you isn't it, you dick.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You may have to get together with loved ones during the day for your relative's funeral. What? Didn't anyone tell you they died? You idiot, you'd better hurry or you're going to look like a real asshole.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Things may not go quite as planned. You might find you don't have enough to buy what you want. You'll find a way. You always do since you're so addicted to the stuff and don't want to go through the sweats and vomiting again. That methadone doesn't do a fucking thing for you either.
 
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