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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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June
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July
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August
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September
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October
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November
2002
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S
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M
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T
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W
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F
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1
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2
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3
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5
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6
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7
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8
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9
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10
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12
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13
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14
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15
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16
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17
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19
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20
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21
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22
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23
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24
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25 |
26
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27
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28
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29
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30
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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A roommate has
plans for this weekend that involve you and your home. His plans
for your home involve lots of Crisco and small rodents. His plans
for you only involve your rectum. Not that there's anything wrong
with that.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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Something
you're trying at work could fail. Haaa! What are we talking about?
Everything you try at work fails. That's why you don't make
shit for a salary. Nobody expects anything better from you. Go straighten
up your desk again, dipshit. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Buying
nice gifts for the people you love is one of your favorite things
to do. That's why you're in so much debt and you have collections
people calling at all hours of the day. Nice guys finish last. Don't
give gifts to anyone unless they give you one first. Jerk. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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Something
isn't going well at home. It's upsetting and may have you confused.
Don't be too hard on yourself. Err.Wait. We said that wrong. We meant,
'don't be such a hard on, yourself'. If you'd quit acting like such
a huge prick, maybe things at home wouldn't' be going so bad. Dick.
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You're
strong, while others are having all sorts of problems. They're liable
to come to you for help making decisions. Just repeat what ever they
say in the form of a question. They'll solve their own problems, and
you'll look smart. You know, people actually pay for that kind of
crap. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Your
house is on fire. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Things
aren't working out as easily as expected. You're determined that you
know best, but others aren't easily convinced. Because you're such
a pushy, know-it-all prick, they'll eventually just agree with you
to shut you up, as usual. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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What
the hell is that ringing in your ears? Do you hear that? Is that coming
from inside your head? What the hell is that? |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You're
a generous person, but you don't have to give all your money away.
I mean, you do if you want to have friends and all because
that's the only reason they hang around you, but you don't have
to do it. Why don't you buy a dog? |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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It
seems like every time you turn around, you meet with more and more
criticism. That's because your ass is so fat. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Don't
bother scheduling a luncheon date. You won't have much free time until
next week, when they remove the breathing tubes and take you off of
life support. Red means stop. Green means go. Retard. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Your
sweetheart or partner could be in a tizzy about money, and this makes
your life difficult and could cause some tears to be shed. Punch him
or her in the face and scream, "Leave me the hell alone or I'll give
you something to really cry about!" That works pretty well on kids.
Who knows? It will probably work on sweethearts too. |
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