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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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November
2000
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S
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M
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T
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W
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T
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F
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S
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2
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3
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4
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5
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6
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7
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8
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9
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10
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11
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12
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13
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14
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15
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17
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18
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19
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20
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21
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22
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23
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25
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26
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27
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28
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29
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You're incredibly
bright, but you like to keep it to yourself. Nobody else knows how
smart you are. Maybe if you can remember that a red light means
'stop', you won't be confined to a wheelchair after today. Maybe
you're not all that bright after all.
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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If
you're going to ask for money, do it first thing. You know your pops
gets drunk by lunchtime, so ask before he spends all his money on
malt liquor and crack. Get a job, you lazy bum. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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You're
looking great. You got your white shirt, black tie, leather shoes,
and a silk jacket on. You'll think you're on top of the world, until
you hear the words: "will the defendant please rise" Better luck at
your parole hearing. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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You're
up against tough competition, but don't complain. You knew the job
was dangerous when you took it. I mean lookouts are a dime a dozen.
Did you really think you could out-run tha' man? |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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You're
lucky, good looking and you have a way with words. Unfortuantely you
can't seem to spit them out right now because you're whacked out on
PCP. Don't sweat it, bro. Tonight is pork chop sammich' night in county
lock up. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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You
may have thought an older person didn't like you, and you couldn't
be more right. Your pops thinks you're a scumbag, and plans to do
a Marvin Gaye on your ass tonight. Better wear your vest nigga'.
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Don't
put off until tomorrow what you could do today, even if your ho's
are giving you fits. A good firm bitch slap in the mouth and she will
learn to keep her back-talkin' trap shut. Remember, keep yo' pimp
hand strong! |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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An
attractive person's in your life, but you don't have the loot for
romance. 100 bucks is probably too much to pay for a whore anyway.
Smack the bitch over the head with an empty bottle of Hurricane and
leave before she regains consciousness. Spend that hundred on some
good rock, dawg! |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You're
doing a good job and getting a lot of attention. But do you really
want it? Do you really wanna be the only black man, wearing a blonde
wig and panties in a holding cell? Youse a stupid bitch. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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You
may feel burdened, but don't complain too much. I mean yeah, the state
gives you more money for having more kids, but you have MORE
kids! May I suggest you teach them little bastards skills like shoplifting
or auto theft? If they really get on your nerves play a fun game like
"Hide in the plastic bag for an hour" |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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Are
you the teacher's pet? Love and education are linked now. That's right,
I would have made straight A's too if I was fucking my teacher. If
your ass isn't too sore, do it again tomorrow. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You
might feel like staying in bed all day, but you'd miss a big opportunity.
That's right! It's the fist of the month! There's a reason why they
let you cash your check at the liquor store. Looks like some malt-liquor
is in the stars for you, G! |
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