about to reveal something to you all that is of enormous sentimental
value to some people around here. Namely, my
thing. This item that I'm about to give away
heirloom, if you will, is rumored to be
REASON FOR MY VERY EXISTENCE
see, legend has it that when Otis Felcher, my father, was courting
a young woman named Martha; a woman who would later become my
Mother, he wore this hat on their very first date.
needless to say, who didn't come from the same side of the PLANET
as Otis, much less the proverbial "side of the tracks"
was completely horrified to be out on the town with a man wearing
something like this.
pointed fingers and watched in horror.
clutched their children.
Men cringed and young women swooned and Otis laughed like a maniacal
mental patient each and every one of the no less than 75 times
he flipped the brim of his hat to reveal the joke that was underneath
to literally every single person who happened to glance in his
people didn't even see the front of the hat and had no idea what
was happening as Otis ran from across the street, his eyes fixed
on them like a hawk, only to get within inches of their face,
the underside of the brim of this sweat-soaked baseball hat the
only thing separating them from the horrible smell of bourbon
and rotting teeth as Otis gasped and choked on his own laughter.
heard that somebody in the crowd actually did call the police
but that, since Dad hadn't made physical contact with any of the
passers-by they couldn't technically call it assault.
on that night they went to a movie.
tried to have sex with Martha in the back seat of his car while
it was parked atop a hill overlooking Baltimore but Martha kept
Martha freed herself from the duct tape that Otis had tried to
bind her feet with and kicked him squarely in the jaw.
managed to open the car door with her mouth and ran, screaming
for her life down that hill, all the way home.
you ask yourself, how does a failed attempt at date-rape and an
old, sweaty, disgusting baseball hat have anything to do with
the reason your parents got married?
I'll tell you.
see, Otis is smart. Well. Maybe smart isn't so much the word as
it is, "wiley".
a clever old guy and he knew that since Martha outweighed him
by close to 110 lbs, he was going to have one hell of a hard time
scoring with her that night. After all, every other sexual encounter
he'd ever had in all of his 17 years was had was by force.
claims it was all planned from the get go.
says that he wore that hat on purpose and before picking Martha
up, he inserted a rolled-up pair of tube-socks into his trousers
so, if anybody were to come into contact with his groin that evening,
they'd leave with the impression that Otis was packing some pretty
heavy equipment down there.
simple fact of the matter is, Martha was intrigued by the combination
Martha didn't come into close proximity with Otis' trousers that
night but Otis sure as shit put his trousers in close proximity
of Martha over and over again until she finally kicked him in
the face and managed to free herself.
that night, Martha had a dream. Vivid, colorful dreams, full of
baseball hats and tube-socks and new and wonderful feelings that
Martha had never felt before.
as it may seem, Martha just HAD to see Otis again.
thing led to another and 4 months later, Otis and Martha were
months after that, a young Martin Felcher
now. A mere thirty some odd years later, I am giving away this
piece of history to some random Fugly viewer who happens to stumble
upon the winning link on this site.
you're not familiar with our Completely Random Amazing Prizes,
make sure to read the
C.R.A.P.™ rules first.