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February
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March
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May
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June
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July
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September
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October
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November
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December
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Your
Fugly Whore-O-Scope for:
Tuesday
August 24 , 2004
By:
Martin
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August 2004
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11
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13
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27
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31
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Pisces
Feb.
19 - March 20
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A coworker is due to sidle up to you when you least expect it -- and to let a secret escape their lips. No, you won't be upset about it -- but you may need to rethink a couple of things like why you can't remember anything from the night before and why there are bite marks on your shoulder-blades. You had a pretty rough night there didn't you, party-girl? Try not to act like such a whore for a while. |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Resisting
the impulse to travel will be tough -- especially if someone
with a track record for persuasion starts working on you and
especially when a "coupla' guys with a pair of pliers
and a blowtorch" start
to work on you too. Run. Run as fast as you can. (Thanks
to William for pointing out that not everyone has seen the movie,
Pulp Fiction and so the source of the quote, "coupla' hard hittin
n**gers" isn't as obvious to many as it is to me. Get back to
work, William) |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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Your hunt for a soul mate could be quite successful -- if you let your intuition guide you. That means no listening to anyone who tries to convince you they know someone who's 'just perfect.' Do you know the song, "Lola", by The Kinks? Get ready to live it. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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More surprises await you on the home front -- one of which could turn out to be quite delightful, another of which could land you in jail or, worse, the morgue. It could really go either way. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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You're in an especially festive mood, and ready to play! Try not to be as excessive as usual, though. Try not to be as annoying as usual. Try not to be as stupid as usual and try not to stink, as usual. You also have cancer. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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Searching for the proper way to say thank you? Search no more. Nothing says, "Thanks!" like a flaming bag of dog crap on a front porch. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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If you're currently attached, forget about the rest of the world -- for tonight, at least. You'll have far, far better things to do with your time than socialize. If you're not, disregard those orders. Get dressed and get out there. Pay for it if you have to, and you probably will. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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You'll be the star of the show for at least two weeks, and since there's no way you won't be noticed, you may also be tempted to make the most of it. Your ass will be sore for a month and you'll need surgery after it's all over. You're such a star! |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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The drama in your life will go from a one to an eleven -- on a scale from one to 10. Practice tossing meaningful glances, and saying just enough so that they're wondering what you really meant by that. Carry a gun and don't be afraid to use it. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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You're looking for attention from one particular person and chances are very good that you'll have it, too. Still, you should be careful what you wish for. Restraining orders aren't something you can just pick up at the grocery store. There's all kinds of paperwork involved and honestly, it can be a real pain in the ass. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Someone financially and emotionally stable is due to cross paths with you -- and for once, they'll be willing to do their part to keep this thing going. OR. Some rich asshole will plow into you at an intersection and then speed away. Pretty much the same thing. Take it however you like. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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For
the next two weeks, all kinds of fiery, dramatic, interesting types
will cross your path -- with an equally interesting array of offers.
Maybe you shouldn't stand on a street corner wearing fishnet stockings
and leather chaps. Freak. |
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