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February
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July
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September
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October
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November
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December
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:
Friday
August 20 , 2004
By:
Sarah
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August 2004
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Aquarius
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Aries |
Cancer |
Capricorn |
Gemini |
Leo |
Libra |
Pisces |
Sagittarius |
Scorpio |
Taurus |
Virgo |
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Aries
March
20- April 19
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Stop worrying that a recent argument will leave a permanent scar on the relationship, because you can see to it that it doesn't. This afternoon's astrological weather is perfect for delivering an apology. Ironically, it's also perfect for delivering a pistol whipping or a sucker punch. Now those will leave a scar. |
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Taurus
April
19 - May 20
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A snazzy little outfit is on the evening's menu. Whether you're wearing it or enjoying it from across the table, be sure you're not so distracted that you lose sight of what you really want for dessert. Remember too, it's hard to eat dessert with a ball-gag in your mouth. |
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Gemini
May.
21 - Jun. 21
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Someone who's just perfect -- for your purposes, at least -- will cross paths with you soon. They'll be so perfect that you may even feel the need to tell them all about it. Good idea. Just be sure they're also available and of the same species. You don't want to get arrested again. Sicko. |
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Cancer
June
21 - July 22
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Home and family matters will keep you busy -- but not so busy that you won't see the beauty of the connections you share. You can also expect to be made aware of just how cherished you really are, at least until the money runs out. Boy are you a sucker. |
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Leo
July
22 - Aug. 23
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It's never easy to say no to you, whether you're asking, intimating or downright demanding. At the moment, due to a heavy dose of added cosmic charm, it will be even tougher. It might also have something to do with that psychotic look you have on your face all the time. Try to relax a little. |
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Virgo
Aug.
23 - Sept. 22
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If it's not beautiful, glamorous or sensually appealing, you won't want it -- and you certainly won't shell out one single hard-earned cent to have it. If you're shopping, be nice. Explain to the sales associate in advance what a picky, shallow bitch you are. |
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Libra
Sept.
22 - Oct. 22
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Convincing others to do your bidding won't be tough -- but getting them to stop trying to anticipate your every wish might be. Throw them off track a little by convincing them to eat thumb-tacks or broken glass. They'll think twice after that, believe me. |
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Scorpio
Oct.
22 - Nov. 22
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You're not ordinarily prone to bouts of melancholy, but you may feel a bit blue now. You're actually starting to LOOK a little blue. Your options are to give into it completely and get it over with, or ignore it and move on. Since it's hard to ignore a plastic bag over your head, your choice is somewhat limited. If you feel sleepy, just go with it. |
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Sagittarius
Nov.
22 - Dec. 21
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It's time to make public statements! Whether they've been asked for by a committee, or you're about to volunteer, go ahead and get it off your chest. Coming out of the closet is tough, but let's face it. It's not like every body doesn't already know. Fag. |
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Capricorn
Dec.
21 - Jan. 20
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Present your professional demands to the powers that be right now. There's no way they can help but agree with you -- which won't hurt if you're asking for other types of support. It also wouldn't hurt to wave a gun around while you're presenting these demands of yours. |
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Aquarius
Jan.
20 - Feb. 19
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There's something you need to know -- something that will help you do your job better. Now, should you go to school to learn it, or interview professionals in the discipline? Doesn't matter. Just learn it. Just learn how to fucking read already, you loser! |
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Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20 |
Your antennae are twitching like mad, and you have the feeling that there's something going on that you haven't yet been made privy to. Do some digging, and figure it out. Bet you're right. Bet you have herpes. |
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