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2004
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Wednesday
August 4 , 2004

By: Sarah
August 2004
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Aries
March 20- April 19
Better take your vitamins -- or maybe even double up on them. You'll need some added energy to keep up with your daily activities -- and a positive attitude wouldn't hurt, either. Ever try whistling? Ever try changing your daily activities to something that DOESN'T include anal sex?
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
You're hibernating, and that's that. If you actually make the effort to connect with another human, it may only be by phone -- but they'll definitely remember it because you'll say something to piss them off, as usual. Jackass.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You'll have more than one chance to brush up on your impromptu conversational skills. Don't worry about alienating anyone by being too blunt. You're golden. Bold, brazen and a bit cocky, perhaps -- but definitely golden. Your breath really stinks. Buy some gum.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
A wish you've been holding onto for a long time could come true at any moment. That's right! Remember that time you said, "God I wish I was dead"? Well. He heard you! Today's your lucky day!
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Getting you to hold back from saying anything and everything that's on your mind won't be easy today, dear Leo because you have such a big fucking mouth. Why don't you shut the hell up and let someone else talk for a change. Also, see Gemini.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Take a breath. The universe has arranged a break in the action. You may actually have to endure a few moments of boredom over the course of the day -- but won't that be nice for a change, since you're the one that's usually boring the hell out of everyone else? Wow, won't that be a switch? You suck.

Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Don't make plans that you can't wiggle out of gracefully if need be. A certain someone has a surprise up his or her sleeve, and you're the lucky target. Now, don't spoil it -- pretend you didn't know. Say something like, "Wow! I didn't know you could fit that huge, double ended dildo up your sleeve like that!" Pack an extra pair of underwear today.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You may need to change your plans, so don't agree to anything just yet. It's early, and anything could happen -- including a fabulous adventure that requires your open schedule, or a day of casket shopping and funeral arrangements. It could really go either way.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You may think you're ready to catch up on some sleep, but don't get into your jammies just yet, and don't ignore the phone. A wonderful invitation could be en route and you won't want to pass it up. See if you can get your hands on some amphetamines and try not to sleep. Stay up for as long as it takes, no matter the cost. You sure don't want to miss this one!
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You have a perfectly good excuse for being in such a great mood. You're drunk! Everyone knows so there's no use denying it. They're thinking of firing you.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19

Give your checks a chance to clear. Your balance may be smaller than you think. Your penis is also a lot smaller than you think so quit bragging about it. You're making a fool of yourself.

Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

Why buy wool when you could have cashmere? Why buy hamburger when you can have steak? Why buy beer when you can have champagne? You're broke, that's why. Why don't you get a job? Loser.

 
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