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Friday
November 30, 2001


By Madame Borkofski
November 2001
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Grass is always greener, eh Sag? You thought you were content, and then what-another flavor gets introduced and you just have to have a taste. Typical. One if these days your sorry ass will be able to appreciate what you have, and not always keep one eye out for something better. That day isn't coming anytime soon, though. In the meantime, be careful what you sample.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You always do everything right, don't you? Set boundaries, live by the rules, maintain proprieties-I wish just once you'd allow yourself a fuck-up. I know there are those who'd like to assist in that endeavor. Just one juicy, luscious, lascivious night. That wouldn't warp you too much. You can go back to your respectful, old-fashioned ways right after. I promise.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
You are everyone's best friend, but no one's one-and-only. That's fine with you. If you had your way, there'd be no obligations, no constraints, no commitments. Just you and your happy-to-go-fuck-her member, gallivanting around, providing pleasure to any who seems worthy. What a delightfully warped world you live in. With friends like you, …maybe you need an enema.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Your emotions are all over the place, much like your dirty laundry. Get yourself together. Pick yourself up off the floor. Have someone slap you silly. You've got people depending on you not to lose it, but that's exactly what you're about to do. Prescribe yourself an herbal remedy, preferably of the Cannabis variety. If you kick back and check out for a while, you'll feel rejuvenated. A little foggy-brained, but rejuvenated.
Aries
March 20- April 19
Hey dumbass. Remember what happened last time when you decided to just say 'fuck it' and leave all your problems behind? They followed you. And you acquired new ones, from which you're now fleeing. Your impulsiveness and fly-by-the-seat-of-your-dirty-pants mentality takes its toll on those around you. If you're not careful, your new ladylove will say 'fuck it' too, and then she won't be fuckin' you anymore.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
What the hell are you waiting for, pantywaist? You think you're being patient, but really you're just scared. Scared of the nagging bitch in your bed whom you know you can never satisfy. Scared of having a vision but never seeing its fruition. You know what you need to do. Just gather up your balls and go do it already. You need to look for an outlet for your aggression. Slamming cups of Starbucks just isn't cutting it.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Your love of variety and new experiences could get you in trouble if you're not careful. The twist you want to add to your next tryst could be the ultimate in pleasure, but could bring about your downfall as well. Tread lightly. Kiss frequently. Speak softly. Dress for the occasion, if you know what I mean. (No, I don't mean break out the zipper mouth mask) Know what and whom you're getting into.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
If anyone knows how to put up with your moody bullshit, I wish they'd let me in on it. You Crabs are great for fighting and fucking, but beyond that, it's too Jerry Springer. Sorry, just had to get that off my considerably large chest. Follow your instincts where love is concerned. If that doesn't work, follow your nose. Your girl's got more stank than a 20 dollar whore.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
Sorry, Lion, but it's definitely not your time to shine. I know how much you love to be in the spotlight and all, but give it a rest for the moment. Your jokes are almost as used- and dried-up as your grandmother's coochie. Stay home. Nurse your beer and your bruised ego and before you know it, you'll have watched enough of the Man Show to replenish your well of weak quips.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Well, I never know what to tell you, Virgo, because whatever I say, you'll just find fault with it like you do everything else. What crawled up your cosmological ass before you were born into this world? What penance are you paying from a mistake in a former life? I don't pretend to know. All I do know is, Prince Valium is your best friend, and I am not. Get laid.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
The delicate balance of the give-and-take relationship in which you like to operate is out of whack. You give and your so-called-love takes. Actually, you'll give it to anyone who's interested. Stop that! Fulfill yourself by yourself. You'll find that you're reliable, consistent, and always satisfying. Your recent jaunt out of town did you worlds of good. You need to travel more often.
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
If only there were more stingers out there like yours. You have a relatively easy time communicating what you want, with or without words. Be careful when you do speak, though. You usually end up hurting someone a bit more than you'd intended. And, yes, you usually like to inflict at least a little prick.
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