Fugly
Did you know?... A blue whale's aorta (the main blood vessel) is large enough for a human to crawl through.
2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Sunday
June 25, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
June 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
You are a silly, happy go lucky, little goof ball! Typically, a real goof ball is made from mixing crack and heroin together. That pretty much sums you up.
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
You have had about enough of all the 'retard' comments you can stand. Maybe you should pretend to have a different ailment. Sure, it will be hard to start from scratch after a life of making money off this scam, and you'll have to move, but look on the bright side; you won't have to eat so much pudding.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Now is the time to listen to that little voice inside your head that tells you what to do. Some call it a conscience, but you call it 'the tiny radio in my ear that the gub'ment put there.'
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Sometimes you feel the need to do something a little bit crazy in remembrance of the lord. You can stop feeling this way. The lord doesn't remember you!
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22
The next time you feel the need to get away, just think about the fact that every day, a swarm of Cubans push off onto the ocean on a floatation device made of wood and corn.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Jerry Springer is on. The stars are on hiatus. Please refer back to this section tomorrow, when Jerry Springer will feature "My Uncle is my Pimp" and I will feature your future.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
Do something nice for a body part that you love. Paint a smiley face on your penis, or perhaps get a fake moustache for your vagina.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
There is no need to feel badly about your physical appearance. Some people are just born shaped like baked apples, and there is nothing you can really do about it. Even if you get surgery, everyone will know. You might as well just tie, uh, hold your chin up.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
If you are an obese whore, you might have to take a pay cut due to the rise of slim Caucasian whores who can and will take work away from you. If you aren't an obese whore, then why are you reading the whoreoscopes?
Aries
March 20- April 19
If your name is Clyde, then you are very lucky. There is no reason that you should be able to read, yet here you are, reading. Good for you! Next comes counting.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Are you feeling like the odds are against you? Girl, you'll be a woman, soon. The hormone-induced breasts are coming along nicely. It looks like you've got yourself, shit, a cup and a half sprouting there. Now, you just need to get rid of that unsightly 'penis' because girls don't have those! You'll figure out what you need to know in coming months.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
You have been giving thought to you and your family's personal safety. Seeing that you have two young children in the house, the 'purchasing a gun' plan sounds like an A-1 idea! Make sure to label the cookie jar, 'Cookies' and the bullet jar 'Bullets' so that there is no mistake.
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