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2000
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Your Fugly WhoreOscope for:

Saturday
July 29, 2000


By Madame Borkofski
July 2000
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Aquarius

Aries

Cancer

Capricorn

Gemini

Leo

Libra

Pisces

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Taurus

Virgo
Leo
July 22 - Aug. 23
A Haiku: Maybe for dessert: Do not eat that whole cheese-cake. Or your ass will grow.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Maybe there is nothing wrong with eating a bucket of food a day like they do at the zoo. You always said you loved animals.
Libra
Sept. 22 - Oct. 22
Why worry about life? You have a party to get ready for! Gingivitis? Just keep your mouth shut and smile, smile, smile! Lice? No one will know if you don't itch. Just make sure you get to that party and fast. After all, isn't that what life is all about?
Scorpio
Oct. 22 - Nov. 22

You love confrontation. Remember that time you let that woman get in front of you at the grocery store, then you punched her in the head with a ham hock and said she butted in front of you? That was great. Keep up the good work.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You aren't doing anything wrong in life. Everyone else is! Just remember that. It isn't you. It's them. Like that time you ran over that elderly blind lady trying to cross the street? She just didn't make it across the street fast enough. You rock. Just look in the mirror every morning after your breakfast treat of cocaine and heroin mixed together and remind yourself how great you really are.
Capricorn
Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
You know what your problem is? Vagina. Vagina, vagina, vagina. Get rid of the vagina, and you get rid of all your problems. Just try it and see. If it doesn't work, you can always (never) get it back, but who cares? Life is for living and learning.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 19
Why do you bother to check your horoscopes? Do you think you are going to see something fun and exciting in your future, like, "You are going to go to Barbados?" You aren't going to Barbados. If you ever do go to Barbados, you are going to get bit by a tarantula or catch malaria. Have a good day.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Your spouse has asked us to tell you that you smell a lot. I don't know what good it is going to do to tell you, because on top of smelling, you are a big dumb idiot with bad hygiene and no sense of humor.
Aries
March 20- April 19
At work, try using a different response then you normally would. Say "YES" the next time you are asked to do some work, and say "NO" if it involves polishing your employer's penis.
Taurus
April 19 - May 20
Taurus, you bore us. (The stars and myself.) Hows about you get a hobby. Even if you were bald and walked around the park with a metal detector, it'd up your interest level. I've met the most retarded idiots in the world, and they had more interesting personalities than you. You suck.
Gemini
May. 21 - Jun. 21
Treat yourself to a nice surprise. Why not go and buy yourself a ticket to see Harry Pusie in concert? Everyone loves sweet Harry Pusie.
Cancer
June 21 - July 22
Cancer, cancer, the go go dancer. How does your coke habit grow? With fat millionaires and lap dances in chairs, and lines of powder in the bathroom, all in a row.
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